Friday 8 December 2017

PETRIFIED

Petrified of groupthink, out of air, will I sink?/
Is my life handwritten or scripted from God's ink?/
The writing on the wall, am I reading it right?/
Is it divine or do I need to raise my hand and write?/
Will I still be me or lose the self that sets me apart?/
Will I follow the crowd or will I follow my heart?/
These nightmares come to feast, when these thoughts become a beast/
And won't stop killing my peace, until my inner light is deceased/
In that event let me vent, whenever life is bent/
So I open up this vent, what pours out is God sent/
All my fear is lost and bravery takes its place/
I can stand as my own man, God secure my space/
Fear doesn't reside here, everything becomes clear/
I can take it to a new tier, because I know that God's here/
With all this divine essence, I never recline/
And I can only be me, God's beautiful design/

Tuesday 12 September 2017

DRIFTING APART


Bloodyred eyes peering at the clear blue skies,
Green in his mind's eyes but grey blunt smoke clouds his irides,
Feeling pops neglect, a spitoon of white lies,
Spending time to reflect, on how to get a piece of the cheese pies,
Moms in the grave so he aint feel no maternal love,
So he's most comfortable on the corners with the thugs,
Drifting apart from his pops coz he is in a pain of his own,
How a perfect life can be broken, unhappy with what life is showing,
Always in a drunken stupor,
No options left to manoeuvre,
So the son grows so judgemental,
Wondering what goes on in pops mental,
But he never knew the pain that a real nicca feels,
when he's out here grinding trying to provide happy meals,
But the father is stoic watching his son's life unfold like a biopic,
No opinion on it coz he know's his sons world view is myopic,
the hood is all he knows and can never dream of better,
As time goes he grows more and more bitter,
So who bears the brunt of the blame and carries the weight of the shame,
No one to put him on the right train or teach him how to refrain,
Spiralling deeper into an abyss of loneliness, out of reach from the preachers,
Trying to speak sense into him but he can't relate to the biblical pictures,
Blasphemy on his tongue, when he opens his trap boastful speech is what litters,
On top of his voice saying I got me since no one is there for us,
Life becoming one long terrible song with no chorus,
Calling out to Jesus like please won't you save us,
Another short life in the making, look at the life we are living,
Look at the things we came up in, it's amazing we are still breathing......

Thursday 17 July 2014

Cold breath

The cold desk feels like slow death,
Every inhalation filled with cold breath,
Nightmares come alive,
The beautiful battle to survive,
Disjointed thoughts twist a life,
The beautiful struggle to thrive,
To still feel my passion flare,
To feel it fill the air,
To feel it warm me up,
and make my blood boil,
turn it up,
Till its redhot like a flaming coil, A small case of amnesia,
I forgot its pain before pleasure,
Filled my days with leisure,
Until I was jolted from it with a violent seizure,
A small case of amnesia,
I guess I forgot what God made me for, The sole reason why I even exist at all,
So God forgive me for my flaw,
I was looking at so and so have this and that,
Instead of embracing my gifts and holding them
close to heart,
My pen fell asleep on the page, my vocal chords laid to rest,
But they dont rest in peace, every day is a test,
I still feel fire inside and this unquenchable thirst,
thats what happens when the devil convinces you
your gift is a curse,
No two minds alike,
No two lives alike,
Just live your life,
And hope what you are doing is right,
There's a reason this yearning is burning,
There must be more to life than learning and earning.....

Thursday 6 March 2014

KAPE

The boy sat down in silence with a serious expression on his face, clearly pondering a worrisome matter. The old man sitting opposite him sat on a small wooden stool, slowly chewing a sugarcane. He regarded the little boy with an amused expression in his eyes, but his outward appearance maintained his signature stern expression and rigid mannerism.

The old man was a man that many held with high regard and was well respected by many in the village. He was easily regarded as the wisest man in the village. The boy had come to see him, clearly to discuss a matter of grave concern. The old man was having a hard time concealing his amusement everytime he looked at the visibly distraught little boy.

News of what the boy was there to discuss had already reached him as the little boy had caused quite a stir. The old man looked at the little boy as he fidgeted, growing impatient of waiting for the old man to speak. Anger was seething from the little boy's fiery red eyes and his breathing was heavy with fury. Though growing impatient, the little boy maintained his patient silence. Custom dictated that the old man speak first.

The old man was enjoying tormenting the little boy, so he ate as slowly as possible while slowly petting his grey beard. Finally he spoke, "How is your father?", playing his game of testing the boy's patience some more. 
"Fine", the boy curtly replied.
The old man decided to push the boy just a bit more. "..and your mother, how is she?". 
"Fine, fine. Everyone is fine. My sisters, my brothers. They are all fine". The boy replied with haste trying to get the banalities out of the way.

"What is it that you are here for, Chidzukulu?" 

"Agogo, you cant believe what Kape did today. I trusted Kape with all my heart. I have known Kape as my most trusted friend since I could walk." Tss. The boy tooted in the way that Africans do when they are upset by something.

"We went mice hunting today and I couldnt believe our good fortune." His eyes widened as he continued to tell his story in a manner most animated.
"We managed to catch 20 mice agogo. 20 mice".

 The boy kept ranting. He ranted about how on their way home from the "hunt" they had seen the village bully called mani onyumwisa coming their direction from a distance. For fear of losing all the mice they had quickly buried them behind a short bush, and walked away feeling triumphant, each boy going in a different direction.

"Upon returning there to get the mice an hour later I found nothing there. There was nothing there, nothing". The boy exclaimed while driving his fist into the dirt ground, no longer able to contain himself. Dust rose upon impact. He regained control of himself and apologised.

"Forgive me. I lost myself. Allow me to continue". 

The boy then went on to explain how upon returning to the village he went straight to look for Kape.

He narrated how he had gone to Kape's house but the first two times he went there his mother had told the boy that Kape was not there. 

"I could easily tell that she was hiding him". The boy said with disbelieving despair.
"The third time I went there I found him
 just sitting idle in his compound. Imagine  he even had the audacity to smile at me as I approached."

The boy frowned with rage as he continued telling his "tragic" tale.

"When I found him I asked him whether he had taken the mice for safekeeping. He said he was sticking to the agreement that I was the one to collect. I explained to him that there was nothing there when I returned so it must be him who took them since he was the only other person who knew about the mice. Still he refused. Thats when I lost it and began fighting with him. I overcame him and gave him a proper serving, but he still refused to admit that he is the one who took the mice." 

The old man could tell the boy's rage was peaking.

"I only stopped beating him when his mother and relatives intervened. Agogo, I am sorry to say that in my rage I acted without dignity and threw stones at them while running away. I still want my mice though. They are rightfully mine. I earned them and I shall have them, or there shall be atonement. What must I do Agogo, what must I do?"

The old man looked at him without speaking, his eyes fixed upon him in a deathly stare. The oldman could see the same fire that had boiled in his once youthful veins in the boy who sat before him, who was forgetting his place by looking at him directly in the eye as no boy must do according to their tradition.

"Let me tell you something. I myself have been a victim of many betrayals. In this life the people you place the most trust in will betray you. Life is not easy. It is a river with many turns and a shape most complex. The older you grow the more tragic the betrayals will become and your heart will grow tarnished but stronger. Men and women will betray you both alike. You yourself will betray many others to preserve yourself." He paused for a moment, as if reflecting upon a distant memory. 

He then went on to tell the boy the stories of Eve and the serpent, Samson and Delilah, Jesus and Judas, Shaka and Dingaani, Kane and Abel and Sikusinja and Gwenembe.

"The closest and most trusted friends will drive their daggers in your heart the deepest. Contemplate on these words and meditate upon them daily but punish Kape no longer. Kape did not take your mice. I did. I saw you ditching "something" behind that bush but you did not see me. Out of curiosity, knowing the mischief that you have been getting into, I went to see what was there. When I found that it was mice I took them to your mother to prepare them for you. If it wasnt for me Mani Onyumwitsa would have taken all of them too, because he saw you even though you dont know that he saw you. So go now, apologise to Kape and invite him to have the mice you caught together as brothers." The old man man fished out a tobacco pipe and some tobacco wrapped in a brownish paper. 

The boy was too stunned to move.

"Go now. Go enjoy your youth. Do not let this trouble you any longer. You will have enough time to worry about the worldly affairs of men, and remember the ones we suspect of committing great transgressions against us are not always guilty and we punish them unfairly".

The boy's feet felt heavy as he walked away, plagued by guilt and shame.

The oldman looked at the setting sun, breathed in the fresh air of the village, walked over to a swing chair and reclined in the seat, falling asleep with his tobacco pipe in his mouth.

Wednesday 26 February 2014

Seeking God's face

A man once sought to see God's face. He said to himself "Moses was only allowed to see God's back but never saw his face. I will pray and fast twice as much as Moses and all those great prophets from the bible. I will use 40 days and 40 nights of prayer and fasting as Jesus did to become closer to Him". So the man embarked on a life changing spiritual journey. 

Leaving behind his wife, children and other loved ones he sought the highest mountain where no disturbance could find him. No noise came there besides the ocassional noises made by animals in the forest and trees dancing to the rythm of the wind. The man prayed and fasted with abbottlike dedication. Days went by and the man grew thin. He prayed and begged the Lord to show his face but the Lord never did.

The man grew frail, but restless and impatient at the same time. Ugliness began to corrupt his heart, overshadowing the purity he had sought.
His family and friends became worried as time passed. Concerned about the wellbeing of the man they sent a young man in his wake to bring him food and fresh supplies.

Upon arrival the youngman was met with a hostile reaction. "Get away from me devil. How dare you come to tempt me with your cheap tactics, seducing me with food and wine?", the man shouted at the youngman as he chased him away and threw the food he had brought at him. 
 
40 days and 40 nights went by. The man felt closer to God but still had not seen his face. The man wished to return home but he had grown so weak that he knew he couldnt make it home. He longed for the food that he had thrown at the youngman and bitterness and guilt filled his spirit. Even a simple crumb of bread picked from the floor could do, but even such had become a luxury he could only dream of. Soon disease overtook him and riddled his body. 

Noticing that the man had not returned after the planned period his family sent the young man after him again, but this time when the young man arrived he was met with a site of horror.

Upon entering the cave that the man had made his dwelling the young man was horrified to see a bone thin man struggling to even breathe lying on the floor. The young man rushed to pick up the man and hold him in his arms. Tears streamed down his cheeks. The man could barely open his eyes, let alone recognise the young man. The young man could tell that the man's eyes were filled with wild disillusionment.

Through laboured breathing the man asked "Are you God? Have you finally decided to show your face?"

 "No Mukulu. Its me. Your Nephew, Muphwa Wanu." The young man replied.

"Ah, Even on my deathbed God denies me his face", and so the man renounced God as he breathed his last.

The man died with the ignorance that we see God's face everyday. We see it in the smile of a child, the loving face of our spouses, friends and relatives or in a stranger's face. You see, God's composition is love as manifested by 1 John 4:8 which says
"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." The man the man sought God's face by distancing himself from others the more he distanced himself from seeing it.

In the beginning as told by Genesis 1:26 God made man in his image and since God is love, that image is an image of love as well. Without love we can never see God's face.

Life is such a wonderful thing and love makes it abundant. Choose to see God's  face everyday.

Saturday 22 February 2014

Quiet Noise

I pray for the eyes to see and the ears to hear//
So that even in a tunnel my vision is clear//
Look to my father in the sky//
I am never lost when it rains I am dry//
No footsteps to follow, no tears for my sorrow//
My heart's been hollow and my eyes are on tomorrow//
Never needed to find me, 'cause I create and define me//
black angels crush whatever tries to defy me//
Obliterate everything with savage resolve//
Watch from a distance as problems dissolve//
 In the acid of my will, commanding fortune's wheel//
Letters from heaven signed with the emperor's seal//
So its no apologies for my presence//
Made in God's image, let the world vibrate to my essence//
 Guardian angels on overtime// 
Growing impatient with me taking too long to shine//
But I am patient because I know what outcome is
most likely//
So when I rest, I rest knowing someone up there
must like me//

Wednesday 4 September 2013

Words I never said

Black rain pours. Heavy wind blows. I lay my rose on her grave. I feel my eyes begin to misbehave. A soul I could have saved. Guilt fills my heart. I am ashamed. It weakens me, brings me to my knees. Little droplets ambush my eyes, sliding down my cheeks. The rain falling on my face hides my tears. African men dont cry.

The burn scorches my heart with hellish fury. I am tormented.
I pick dirt from her tombstone and watch it muddy my hands. Slime escapes my nostrils. I promised I wouldnt break down, but here I am on my knees. Fighting the conflicted feeling of tears liberating grief and the feeling that tears are a weakness never to be tolerated. I reach inside the breast pocket of my black trench coat. I pull out a picture of her gorgeous face.

Aaargh. Memories come flooding back. I am transported to a different time and place, to the day I first laid eyes upon her. A rare beauty. She had a presence that lit up the room. A smile like the morning sun. Her eyes drew me in the moment my gaze fell upon her. Thunderstruck and robbed of all movement, I just stared. She saw me standing there, pushed a strand of hair back over her ear, smiled shyly and continued going about her business.

Over the next few days I bumped into her at the same trading centre on several occasions. We spoke. A simple hello at first, but it wasnt long before we discovered we were on the same wavelength. That hello turned into full fledged conversations. Long walks back and forth to the river followed. Dancing under the stars. Lying down on grass lawns while watching the black sky of October nights. The blissful ignorance of the innocence of youth.

It was there by the riverside that we first made love and our passion grew. Lost in bliss we felt like our bond was unbreakable.

I take a sip of the moonshine that I brought with me to help me calm my grief. The bitterness inside making it hard to face the world through sober eyes.

It wasnt long before it became obvious that our hopes and dreams would soon pull us apart. I was too much of a simpleton. I wanted a simple quiet life and she wanted the whole world. It wouldnt take a genius to figure out that I couldnt give her the world. The cracks grew. We drifted apart.

He swept her off her feet in chariots of golden fleeces. Diamond rings covered her fingers, emerald necklaces hugged her by the neck and earrings of blood red rubies kissed her soft ears. Her body rested in Egyptian cotton and her feet woke up to persian rugs. Her stilletoes made beautiful music with marble floors. Her knight in shining armour.

With each display of opulence the dullness of my existence became more pronounced. I fast became a very distant memory. It wasnt long before they tied the knot. In my heart I was happy for her but it didnt make it easier for me to let go. Easy for her to forget, but not for me.

Every night I would stare at a picture of her, say good night to it and kiss it before switching off the light and going to bed.

I sit down in front of her grave. Take a cigarette out and try to light it. Oblivious of the heavy rain pouring.

After about a year or two of her marriage I received a strange phone call in the night.
The tone of our conversation was as casual and as innocent as possible. Just old friends catching up. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I had heard the rumours of her big sunglasses and the blue black purpleish marks that appeared on her skin from time to time. I had heard all the rumours of the many sexual conquests of her knight in shining armour, but who was I to intervene?

A choice is a choice, and choices must be respected.

I take a puff and watch the smoke lazily dance in the rain.

A choice is a choice, and choices must be respected, but still I wasnt prepared for what was to follow.

The news came to me while I was in my little garden, watering vegetables and fruits. Tragedy.

Some said she couldnt take it anymore and she had poisoned herself. Some said he poisoned her because he had grown tired of her. He didnt want a divorce since it meant parting with half of his estate. When she voiced her concerns she just drove him closer and closer to his resolve to be done with her. Rumours. They found her in a chair, slouched over the surface of her dressing table. Fact.

It hurts more since a few days before she had poured her heart out to me and all I said was a choice is a choice and choices must be respected.

So today I find myself here, to tell her all the things I should have said but was too much of a coward to say even though I am not one for what ifs. I try to. I start to but all I hear myself saying is goodbye.

I leave the bottle of liquor dejected on the muddy ground, throw the cigarette away, get up and leave with the words I never said unsaid.

The picture of her gorgeous face flies away with the wind, never to return again.